Jokes, Jokes
and More Jokes


Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Missionary

A priest is about to go on a missionary trip to Africa. Before he goes he prays to God that he will be safe when he goes. God said 'Do not fear, I will protect you on the way only if you have complete trust in me'
So when the priest is walking on a mountain in Africa there is a huge avalanche and the priest finds himself clinging by his fngernails above a lake full of crocidiles.
Soon a group of tourists come along and ask 'Do you need any help?' 'No, I put my faith in God' answered the priest
Later a boat comes along and the people inside ask if he needs any help. Again the priest says 'No, I put my faith in God'
Later a people in a helicopter ask the same thing. Again, the priests still puts faith in God
At that point the priest falls into the lake and gets eaten by the crocodiles.
In heaven the priest asks
'What went wrong, why did I die, I put my faith in you'
And God answered
'Well I don't know. I sent a helicopter, a boat.....'


The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


Sunbathing

Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday"

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel." "Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight.


Navajo Indian Wisdom

All women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo: A woman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long etc, she stops the car and the Navajo woman gets in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag" offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."


Weather Forecast

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"

So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.

"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.

The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.

"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"

"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""


Scottish Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Get lost, ye'll no bring it back!"


Being a women

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Then ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


Blonde Joke #1

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Foreigners.........

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


Al-gebra

At New York's Kennedy airport today, a man later discovered to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,there are 3 sides to every triangle," he declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse." Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks"


Blonde joke #2

A redhead named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Chris Tarrant.
Tarrant: "Pam, you're up to £500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million pounds. If you get it wrong, you drop back to £32,000.
Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Tarrant: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Tarrant: "Hello Carol, it's Chris Tarrant from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure." Tarrant: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the £500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Tarrant: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes." Tarrant: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Carol: "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."


Don't step on the ducks

Boudreaux, Thibodaux, and Robichaux die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven -- don't step on the ducks."

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Robichaux accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Robichaux, your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this "ugly woman!"

The next day, Thibodaux steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for Robichaux. Boudreaux has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on ... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. Boudreaux remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."


Bad News

A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news." The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"


Twins

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go too?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62" "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"


Tom Jones Syndrome

A man goes to the doctor
Patient: Doc, I have this problem, I can't stop singing either 'The Green Green Grass of Home' or 'Delilah'.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a severe case of 'Tom Jones syndrome'.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: It's not unusual.


Blonde Joke #3 - Painting the Porch

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered the door and said to her, "Yes, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
'Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. 'Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is 20 alright?" Julie asked.
'Yes, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house. His wife, who had been listening, said to him: '20! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" 'Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. 'I'm all finished' she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah' Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" he man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie That's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."


The Hospital Visit

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
0, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor. "It's a Burns Unit."


The Dead Parrot

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away". The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done and testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom. He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked. The vet fussed the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman.
Still puzzled, the parrot's owner took the bill and looked at it. "150!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's ridiculous!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been 20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."


The Car

A young boy had just got his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"


The Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."


No Tie

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.
The man said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!


Freezer

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a massive head injury," says the first man. "You see, I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one has hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I hit the top step, I tripped, fell three flights of stairs, and landed square on the back of my head. Dead."
The second man shakes his head, "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


Two Morons

Two morons were working on a house.The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"


B52

A young pilot in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B- 52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."


Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Mouse on Mars

NASA have just released this official photograph of the mouse found on Mars

Click Here

Use the Back button to return here.


What would you do if I died?

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Would you remarry?" asked the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" she asked. "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed!"


Master Thief

A French "master-thief" breaks into The Louvre and manages to steal some of the Great Master paintings. He gets outside and loads his ill gotten gains into the back of his van. After driving about 2 hundred yards down the road the van suddenly runs out of petrol and stops. By this time the whole area is overrun with police and the hapless thief is apprehended.

He's taken into custody and the following day is interviewed by police. The chief interrogator congratulates him on his heist and his skill in evading all the sophisticated alarms. "But tell me", the policeman says, "How did you overlook something as simple as petrol for your getaway van?"

"Simple", said the thief, "I didn't have enough "Monet" to buy "Degas" to make the "Van Gogh"


Stagnant?

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....
What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.


Blonde Joke #4 - Final Examination

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."


Mary Poppins

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

wait for it

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


Italian Bronx Joke

Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?"

When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew".


The Engineer

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked,
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck.Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".


Blonde Joke #5 - Not so Dumb Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from London to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a £5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-worker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her £500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.


Share and share alike

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "the teeth".


Lena

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid" the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."
"37" came the weak reply from Lena.


Lemon Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing 1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the 1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the Inland Revenue"


Indian Chief

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me-not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

" 'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me-not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.')

On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me-not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How!" said the Aussie.

"Scrambled," said the Chief.


Memory School

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years.
Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"


Rookie

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."


Blonde Joke #5 - Last Words

There were women waiting to be executed. A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an idea... follow my lead."

So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"TORNADO!" the she yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!

The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!

Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"FIRE!"


The Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


White Lies

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hairs white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"


Stage

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole appeared in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"


Payback

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?" The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Oh God

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish". Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to".

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Superbowl

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."


Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."


Stumpy

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."


Shipwreck

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life......till the boat sank.

The man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months pass, he's lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she replies, "I landed here several months ago when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from Palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of this island there'sa very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, then used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she suggests.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks toward shore, he nearly falls out of the boat in astonishment. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow charmingly painted blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only continue to stare at the cottage, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says, casually,
"It's not much really, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continuing amazement, the man accepts the cocktail, and they sit down together on her couch to talk. After they've exchanged their survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor with a carved bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns to the living room, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins, suggestively slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've no doubt been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
"You mean--?", he begins, "-I can check my e-mail from here?"


Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced" " So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in on of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a £25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"


Tractor Fan

Bob is absolutely obsessed with tractors, you know the drill, tractor duvet, tractor curtains, tractor pants, tractor in the garage, founder of the tractor appreciation society etc.

But it is stopping him finding a girlfriend So his mum tells to go and see the doctor find out if there anything he can do. off Bob trots who promptly give up on tractors all problems will be solved. agrees.

Lo and behold, the very next day Bob has a date with a sumptuous blond and he cannot believe his luck. He takes her to the swankiest bar in town and begins to wine and dine her.

However she keeps complaining that the bar is very smokey and it's irritating her contact lenses. Don't worry shouts Bob and promptly stands up on his chair, inhales deeply and all the smoke in the room is inhaled into his mouth and disappears.

My God how did you do that, asks his date. That's easy says Bob, I'm an ex-tractor-fan !!


Magic Beer

A women walks into a bar. The bar is empty except for the barman and one very cute looking guy who is sitting in the corner of the counter. The women decides to chat up the cute guy so she approaches him and asks him what he is drinking? The guy replies "Magic Beer", so the woman thinks this guy is a nut-case and moves away.

After a while she gets bored as there is no-one else to talk too so she returns to sit beside the cute guy. She says "Is that really Magic Beer"? He replies "yes, it is". She says "So what's so magic about it then"? The cute guy drinks some beer, gets up off his seat and jumps out of the window, flies around the building and returns to his seat, and not even out of breath.

The woman is amazed at this and she asks him to do it again, so the guy drinks more beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and returns to his seat. The woman says "Thats fantastic, can I have some of that". So the cute guy orders two of the same and the woman knocks back the beer, jumps our of the window and falls 30 ft to her death.

The barman says "Hey Superman, you're really nasty when you're drunk".


Rope Trick

A length of rope went into a bar, sat on a stool and ordered a beer. The bartender said "We don't serve ropes in here".

Disappointed, the rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and said "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?" The man obliged,and with this done, the rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer.

The bartender looked him over and said aren you the same rope that was in here before?!

"No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."


Santa's Xmas Checkout

It is a little-known fact that Santa has to keep his Pilot's Licence current in order to make his deliveries every year, and so the old man wasn't too surprised when he got a letter from the CAA informing him that an examiner would be appearing shortly to run him through the usual re-certification drill. A detail of elves was sent out to wash and polish the sleigh, another group was assigned to inspect, service and repair all the tack, and a third squad started grooming the reindeer. Santa himself got out his log book and the rest of the paperwork and made sure that it was all in order.

On the appointed day the examiner arrived, and after the ritual cup of coffee, he went over Santa's log and the paperwork, then followed Santa outside. After a meticulous review of Santa's weight and balance calculations, the examiner watched Santa do the pre-flight, then followed behind him, looking closely at everything from the bells on the back of the sleigh to Rudolph's nose.

When he finished, he turned to Santa and said: "It looks pretty good so far. Let me get one thing out of my bags and then we'll take her up." When the examiner got back, Santa was in the sleigh and ready to taxi. As the examiner climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that he was carrying a shotgun. "What's THAT for?" he asked. The examiner looked at him, then winked: "I really shouldn't tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on take-off."


Confessions

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions....The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

Then the old priest says, "Now don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No way, you're kidding?!? What happened next?'"


Men of the Cloth

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied... don know about you but in my congregation it FACE that they would recognize.


'Monk'ey Busines

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong. "The word is celebrate," says the old monk.


Counts and Chickens

A King sent out an edict that all his noblemen should swear allegiance to his name and pay him a tribute in gold pieces every year on pain of death. Many Dukes and Barons agreed and handed over the gold pieces directly, for he was known to be a ruthless and terrible ruler. But there was one Count, although he was happy to swear his allegiance, steadfastly refused to pay the tribute.

The King was troubled as to what to do, for he was very fond of this particular Count, so he threw him into jail, telling him he had a week to change his mind before he would be executed. At the end of a week, the King asked the Count if he would pay the money now rather than lose his life, but the Count said no - he would rather die. "Very well", said the King, you shall be beheaded at dawn tomorrow.

Dawn came, and the Count was taken to the castle roof, where a chopping block was in place and a tall executioner in a black robe was standing waiting with a large axe. Once again the King spoke to the Count: "This is your last chance - will you pay me?" "No, never!", he replied. At this the King gave the signal to the executioner. The Count layed down with his neck on the block, and the executioner stood beside him and raised up his mighty axe. Just as he started his swing, the Count let out a mighty cry: "Stop! I'll pay!" But it was too late - the axe fell and his head was sliced off and fell to the ground in a pool of blood.

The moral of the story is, of course, clear: You should never hatchet your Counts until they've chickened!


Legionnaires

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, "Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard,cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other ..and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".


Heat attack

After being snowbound for nearly two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion to her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some mix up at the boarding gate and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly teacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen.

Dearest Wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving Husband.

P.S. Things not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.


Ethnic Wit
(NB The following have been ethnically cleansed so as not to cause offence)

(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offence at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!