True Reports from British life
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had
a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Barking and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there
is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and
pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles,
hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can
see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give
it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh
go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck
in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors'
don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing
glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and
move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down
there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking
a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."