Your car owner's manual

Dear Driver you are now the proud owner of a new vehicle. It has been constructed to the highest specifications.We wish you many hours of motoring pleasure. If anything goes wrong, it is not our fault. It is yours. You didn't read this manual with sufficient care and attention. So you've got only yourself to blame.

Before you drive your new car, please familiarize yourself with its controls (see pages 2-379). Failure to do so may result in serious injury or death, which may impede your motoring pleasure.

READING YOUR OWNER'S MANUAL IN SAFETY
Before reading your new Owner's Manual, please acquaint yourself with the following safety instructions.

* Do not read your new Owner's Manual while driving. It is particularly dangerous to read your new Owner's Manual while driving at high speed in foggy or hazardous conditions.

* Your new Owner's Manual should not be eaten. Swallowing or chewing your new Owner's Manual may result in death or serious injury. Drivers wishing to eat or drink should drive with due care and attention to the nearest food store. Failure to do so could result in hunger, possibly leading to starvation.

* Your new Owner's Manual is a potential hazard. It should be housed at all times in the Glove Compartment (see Glove Compartment). If placed beneath the foot brake or accelerator pedal, it can endanger the lives of you and your passengers. Do NOT place it on your head while driving. It may fall off, possibly resulting in serious injury.

* Gloves are not provided for the Glove Compartment but may be purchased separately from leading glove stores in a variety of styles and colours.

* The makers of your new car recommend gloves with individual spaces provided for four (4) fingers and one (1) thumb. Motorists with fewer digits or more should consult their doctor and/or tailor before purchasing gloves.

* Gloves should be worn on the hands. While driving, do NOT wear a right-hand glove on your left hand, or vice-versa, as this may result in loss of thumb-grip on steering wheel and gear, causing serious injury or death. Gloves should NOT be worn on the feet. For further information see CARING FOR YOUR GLOVES (pages 309-321)

* Having replaced your Owner's Manual in the Glove Compartment, do not attempt to close the door to the Glove Compartment without first removing your hand. Failure to do so may result in serious injury to the wrist.

* The Glove Compartment is intended only as a storage space and not as a petrol tank. Petrol should be placed only in the tank provided.

TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR GLOVE COMPARTMENT
If a strong petrol-style smell or aroma is emanating from your Glove Compartment, you may have filled your glove compartment with petrol in error.

IMPORTANT Check you have not placed your Owner's Manual in the Petrol Tank before proceeding safely to your nearest Maintenance Centre. Never throw your Owner's Manual out of the windows (see YOUR NEW CAR WINDOWS) of your car while driving. It may cause a severe hazard or obstruction to your fellow motorists to the side and rear.

YOUR NEW CAR WINDOWS
Your new car windows have been specially designed to manufacturer's highest specifications of transparency to facilitate access of vision. They should be kept clear of obstacles at all times (see OBSTACLES).

ACCESSING YOUR NEW CAR WINDOWS
Your new car windows are fully computerised to the highest level of technical excellence.

To open the driver's window, press button seventy-three (73). And again. Now press it again. And again. And again. Just once more. And again. And again. Whatever you do, don't force it. I said, don't force it. Now you've gone and done it.

It's obviously jammed. This sometimes happens. It's your fault, not ours. It has nothing to do with our new fully programmed easy-touch electronic computer system. Be sure to blame yourself. Now please turn immediately to section 68(b): unjamming your new car window.

68(b) UNJAMMING YOUR NEW CAR WINDOW
This simple procedure should take two easy steps:

a) Press the button on your control panel (see CONTROL PANEL, pages 18-124) which looks a bit like a window seen from a slightly unusual angle.

b) This action will cause your Glove Compartment to spring open (see TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR GLOVE COMPARTMENT). This is because the picture you thought was of a window was actually of the Glove Compartment.

The Glove Compartment, having been opened, will now be impossible to close as it is connected to your new highly sophisticated central locking system (see THE BEGINNING OF THE END) which has now also activated the Bonnet Release Handle, causing your new car bonnet to open and close every three second. For assistance with this problem please turn to Section 98 Deactivating Your Bonnet Release Handle.

LOCATING YOUR BONNET RELEASE DEACTIVATE HANDLE
Your bonnet release deactivate handle (BRDH) is easy to find. It is located to the right (or left depending on model) of the centre console of the control mechanism in the automatic transmission module situated immediately to the left (or right, depending on model) of the multi-function display recognition instrument (MPDRIS) and is fully electronic.

Press the BDRH wait 6.3 seconds until you hear an odd sliding noise from the direction of the Rear Passenger Seats (RPS). For some reason if appears that you have a the fully automated Passenger Cup Holder in the rear armrest (see TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR PASSENGER CUP HOLDER WITHOUT ACTIVATING AIR-CONDITIONING, pages 209-231). You are now in a position to read your new Owner's Manual.

HAZARD WARNING
Tear stains have distorted your new Owner's Manual, thus jeopardising your motor pleasure.

REMEMBER: It's all your fault ...........

With Acknowledgement to Craig Brown of the Daily Telegraph