Back to Fun Stuff
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists.
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will
only be able to access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks."
2. "What I need is a list of specific
unknown problems we will encounter. "
3. "E-mail is not to be used to
pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
4. "This project is so important,
we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
5. "Doing it right is no excuse
for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this
problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act
busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
6. "My boss spent the entire weekend
retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims
the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk
I gave her was write-protected."
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is
a lot of people doing what I say."
8. My mother passed away and her funeral
was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so
that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That
would be better for me."
9. "We know that communication is a problem,
but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
10. We recently received a memo from
senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will
be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit
a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked
him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, 'If I wanted it tomorrow,
I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'
12. As director of communications, I
was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs
and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned
the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The
day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called
into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told
that she couldn't stand for "perverts" (paedophilia) working in her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her,
he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later,
a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which
could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
the Sunday paper.