Hot Air & Heaven and Hell
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 41degrees N.latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist, sounding a little irritated.
"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it, and I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am." replies the balloonist,"But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. And finally, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Heaven and Hell
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a huge country club and in front of her was all her friends - fellow executives all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club for an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was a really nice guy, kind of cute, and she had a great time dancing and telling jokes. She was having such a great time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Every body shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on to the elevator.
The elevator went up and she found herself at the Pearly Gates with St Peter waiting for her. " Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven " said St Peter. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing a harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her time was up and St Peter came and got her. " So, you spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity " he said. The woman paused for a second and replied " Well I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all but I think I'd have a better time in Hell" So St. Peter escorted her back to the elevator and down she went back to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends who where dressed in rags picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up and put his arm around her. " I don't understand "stammered the woman" yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club, and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all that's here is a waste land and garbage and all my friends look miserable"
The Devil looked at her and smiled as he said : " Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff ".
Knowledge in High Places
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:45 p..m. when he ran into the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.