Entries found on patient's records

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities  

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. "Oops."

2. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."

3. "Dang it, not again."

4. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for a dog!"

5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."

6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. Were going to have to cut it off."

7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."

8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?

9. "What? They're missing that too? Oh well, I guess we'll have to try how to remember how to do surgery."

10. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

11. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot - the guy's got two of 'em."

12. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my concentration off."

13. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."

14. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

15. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"

16. "Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."

17. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think it's about to choke the patient."