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Quotes from job performance evaluations
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started
to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid fascination.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't-be.
Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was in there.
He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve
them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings joy - whenever he leaves the room.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
He would be out of his depth in a puddle
A prime candidate for natural deselection
As bright as Alaska in December
If you gave a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change
It takes him 2 hours to work 60 minutes
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better
PERSONAL ASSESSMENT: A glossary
of Terms
| Term |
Condition |
| Judgement is usually sound |
Lucky |
| Takes pride in his work |
Conceited |
| Forceful and aggressive |
Argumentative |
| Conscientious |
Scared |
| Strong adherence to principles |
Stubborn |
| Zealous attitude |
Opinionated |
| Quick thinking |
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes |
| Tactful in dealing with supervisors |
Knows when to keep mouth shut |
| Gets on well with supervisors |
Gutless |
| Approaches difficult situations with enthusiasm |
Delegates |
| Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress |
Entertains senior officers |
| Keen sense of humour |
Vast repertoire of dirty jokes |
| Unlimited potential |
Won't progress beyond basic grade |
| Exceptionally well qualified |
Has committed no major blunders |
| Shows initiative |
Covers for bosses mistakes |
| Demonstrates qualities of leadership |
Talks too much |
| A keen analyst |
Makes mountains out of molehills |
| Indifferent to instructions |
Knows more than his controlling officer |
| Active socially |
Drinks heavily |
| Spouse is active socially |
Spouse also drinks |
| Character and integrity beyond reproach |
Has not been found out |
| Expresses himself well |
Speaks English |
| Spends hours on the job |
Miserable home life |
| Average officer |
Not very bright |
| Slightly below average |
Stupid |
| Has potential |
But not much else |
| Mature |
Retires next year |
| Immature |
Still plays cricket |
| Would benefit from wider experience |
Get rid of the bastard |
BOB SMITH
THE BOSS ASKED FOR
A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible. Signed Project Leader
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to
you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines
(1, 3, 5, ...)
for my true assessment of him.
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