Notice of Revocation of Independence

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Notice of revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America.

In view of Prime Minister Tony Blair becoming President of all he surveys, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded and George Dubya Bush will be sent back to Texas. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as 'US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. You will also be required to create films that show history in a factual manner. (Try to remember that you don't have any.) It is no longer acceptable to make films showing daring British actions as being undertaken by the US. Also remember that you didn't join the Second World War until nearly halfway through. Your films should recognise this in future and the fact that you only ever get involved in a fight if someone else has done all the hard work, there are financial gains to be had, you have far greater numbers and never ever for humanitarian purposes.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half-way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 8th November will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. This for your own good. When we show you good German cars, you will understand what we mean.

9. You will reduce the amount of food you eat and send it to those who really need it. The vast majority of you are overweight and will then start exercising and dieting.

10. All MacDonald, KFC and Pizza Hut outlets will be only be allowed to serve Fish and Chips (that's fries to you).

11. Beer will be served flat and unchilled as nature intended.

12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

America's Official Response

While we Americans might have taken this little joke of yours badly, we have recognized it for what it is: a cry for help. We realize that you are tired of being a third-rate little country on your own. Therefore we shall bring you into the fold as our 51st state.

There will be some changes:

1. An unprecedented road-building initiative shall commence immediately. Check out the interstate system in the US. You'll see why this is needed. We will probably bring in Germans to do this. Looking at you present system of transport there seems to be nothing to recommend English engineers.

2. Everyone will be issued with an automobile. Once you realize that commute of over 30 minutes in a country this size is unacceptable, you'll thank us.

3. Squads of bitter, overweight, ex-high school, and college athletes will be shipped over to instruct you on winning. In short, winning is everything. Coming in third place consistently and congratulating yourselves on being good sports is stupid. Wake up. (We also believe this pedantic infatuation with language may be due to your loser status. Giving you something to feel good about.)

4. You will no longer be allowed to mention the Second World War. It was the last thing you won, but it was over fifty years ago.

5. You will now be allowed to express your feelings when you want. If someone cuts in front of you in line - queue is a silly word and is henceforth outlawed - you are now allowed to kick his ass or shoot him. That's part of being an American: choices and handguns. You're really going to like this.

6. The English tradition of getting in line will probably go out of style once the stores are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and actually have what you're looking for at a price you can afford. This is a lot to take in. Breath slowly and take it a little at a time.

7. Soccer is out the window. Let's face it, sitting around for two hours watching a bunch of guys not score points is infuriating. That's why you kill each other over it.

8. The Spice Girls will be executed. No discussion.

Things that will not change:

1. The monarchy will remain much as it is today. We think it's cute. However we will tax them. Anybody that rich can afford it.

2. You can keep ignoring the metric system, but maybe do it a little more proactively like the rest of the states. Let's face it. Do you really want your kids using something the French came up with?

3. The English accent will remain intact. We like the sound of it, even if you do use a lot of silly words.

Congratulations on your ascension to these heady heights.

The Wit and Wisdom of George Dubya Bush

"I think we agree, the past is over"
May 10th 2000.

"More and more of our imports are coming from overseas"
Sept 25th 2000

"This is preservation month, I understand preservation. It's what you do when you run for president, you gotta preserve" Speaking during Perseverance Month at a school in January 2000

"Families is where wings take dream"

"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it"
October 18th 2000

"Our priorities is our faith"
Oct 10th 2000.

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully"
Sept 29th 2000

"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy"
Sept 27th 2000

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness"

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it"
May 5th 2000

Bush: "My brother Jeb is the governor of Texas ..."
Interviewer: "Florida"
Bush: "Florida, the State of Florida"
Interview, April 27th 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one"
Feb 19th 2000

"The most important job is not be governor, or first lady in my case..."
Jan 30th 2000

"The senator can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road"
Feb 17th 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"
Jan 11th 2000

"The important question is, how many hands have I shaked?"
Oct 23rd 2000

"Keep good relations with the Grecians"
June 12th 2000

"The continent of Nigeria"
October 2000