Thoughts for the day

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Thought provoking wit - can you do better?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, 2000 or XP, you have to click on "Start"?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If a fine is a tax for doing wrong, is a tax a fine for doing well?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I cats like mice why can't you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Is Atheism a non-prophet organization ?

If all is not lost, where is it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Do PG-Tips employees take coffee breaks?

Clones are people two

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
You are probably a dog.
(thanks Don)


1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

2. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

3. If you do not pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

4. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

5. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

6. Every calendar's days are numbered.

7. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

8. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

9. When you've seen one shopping centre you seen a mall.

10. Bakers' trade bread recipies on a knead to know basis.

11. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.