How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people crazy

In the Office

1) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

2) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

3) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

4) Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

5) In the memo field of all your paychecks, write 'for sexual favors'.

6) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

7) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom

8) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

9) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

10) Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

11) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

12) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

13) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

14) For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

15) When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

16) Practice making fax and modem noises.

17) Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

18) Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

19) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

20) Dont use any punctuation

21) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

22) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

23) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

24) TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

25) type only in lowercase.

In the Elevator

1)When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk & announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space"

27) Pretend to be a dog

Social Events

1) Sing along at the opera.

2) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

3) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

In the Computer Lab

1) Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2) Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3) When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4) Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5) Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6) Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7) Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8) Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9) Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10) Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11) Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12) Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13) Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14). Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15) Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16) Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17) "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18) Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19) Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20) If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21) Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22) Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23) When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24) Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25) Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26) Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27) If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbour's keyboard as you leave.

28) Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29) Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30) Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31) Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32) Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33). Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34) Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35) Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36) Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37) When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38) Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39) Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbour is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbour's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbour's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40) Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41). Stare at the person's next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42) Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43) Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44) See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45) Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46) Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47) Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbour, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48) Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49) Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev it up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50) Spend the whole day logged onto Simon Begent's Website